Byline: MIRIAM STOPPARD
Lost without my son
Dear Miriam,
Last year my son died in a motorbike accident. He was bike mad and I always worried something bad would happen but he laughed it off and told me he could get killed just crossing the road.
He was always the life and soul of the party and everyone loved him. I was overwhelmed by the number of his friends who came to his funeral.
They were a great comfort to me and my husband at the time but now life has gone on for them while, for me, it has stood still.
His girlfriend recently contacted me to ask if it was OK for her to have a new boyfriend. Of course, I couldn't say no but it hurts that she has already moved on.
He would have been graduating with his friends from college next year and it's not going to happen. He's not going to get married and make me a proud grandma.
I used to be active but now it's an effort to get up in the morning. I make myself do it because my two daughters are still at school but I just go through the motions. When will I start to feel better?
Arlene
Dear Arlene,
There's no greater sorrow than to lose a beloved child. No parent expects to outlive their children.
Although his life was short, it was a passionate one full of fun and laughter, and good friends. He tried to make the most of every moment. Of course, you're suffering and in pain. It's a measure of how precious he was that you feel such colossal grief.
People may tell you, or you may even tell yourself, to dry your tears and put it behind you and get on with life. This is unrealistic. You'll never completely get over his death and why should you?
Certainly, as time passes, you can expect the nature of your grief to change and, after a while, it will be background rather than something that rules your life and keeps you awake at night - except on special days like birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas when it will be hard to bear.
How long will it take to start healing? Everyone is different, so everyone's grieving takes a different path. Gradually, you will be able to let go of the hurt and your son's memory will be a bitter-sweet part of your life. You may be able to reach this stage in a few more months or another year or more. But, doing what you're doing now is healthy, natural and right, so you'll get there.
Honour your son with your grief but this doesn't mean you need to spend all day, every day devoted to grieving. Would your son want that? He'd want you to be the smiling, loving and caring mother he's always known, having a giggle with his sisters. Your love for him and them is stronger than death.
The Child Death Helpline is a freephone service operated by bereaved parents and you can call them on 0800 282 986, or visit its website at www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk.
Curse of cheat
Dear Miriam,
I'm 30 and have been celibate for two years, ever since I left my ex-husband. He was cheating with every woman who had a pulse. I don't trust men any more because of him.
Now a man at the gym I go to has shown an interest in me and we've had coffee together but I'm scared to agree to anything else, even though I like him a lot. How do I move on from my past?
Caroline
Dear Caroline,
Celibacy may seem old-fashioned to some but it means you're taking time to care for yourself.
Your ex-husband was not capable of handling a committed relationship and you're well shot of him.
When it comes to other men, don't assume every man is bad just because your experiences haven't been the best. Good, honest men are out there.
In future relationships, spend time cultivating friendships first, as you would with a new woman friend, until trust is established. Don't put a time limit on it.
Sex can wait until you're sure you're equally committed to each other. If a man's not willing to wait or be patient, he's clearly not the one.
When it comes to relationships, it's not a good idea to take short cuts.
He's moving on
Dear Miriam,
My boyfriend has landed a fantastic new job and will have to move away. He decided it would be for the best if we broke up and I agreed as I've had a long distance relationship which didn't work.
He's leaving in three weeks and I still see him for drinks, and we're in touch almost daily. He has confessed that he misses being with me. I want to tell him I still love him but is it pointless?
Elaine
Dear Elaine,
He doesn't want you or he'd invite you to go with him. Distance doesn't have to be an obstacle - it depends on your level of commitment. Either go out on a limb, tell him how you feel and ask him what he wants, or cut off all contact. It's the only way you'll get over him and feel better.
Nerd's no fun
Dear Miriam,
I've been married for 11 years to my second husband. We used to do everything together but he changed when his son bought him a computer and he discovered the internet. Now he's addicted to it and also can't leave the house unless he has checked his emails for the fourth or fifth time. I'm so lonely. What can I do?
Janine
Dear Janine,
Sit down and explain to him you're lonely, at the end of your tether and something has to change. Make him feel his company is important to you, rather than attack his time on the computer. Make a rule that at least you eat together and plan events for the two of you to go to. Find some new hobbies of your own.
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